Hipposexuals!
by Herr EdIncredibly The News of the World has revealed today that two well-known footballers have been involved in a GAY ROMP and have CAVORTED with a GAY MAN from the music industry. However, World Cup Hippo has further details which make The News of the World’s revelations look tame indeed.
Research suggests that around 3% of the male population have a homosexual or bisexual orientation. If we approximate that the squad size of every Premier League club is 30, that means there are 600 players in the top flight in England. If the amount of GAY players in football is representative of the population as a whole, that means there might be 18 GAYS in the Premier League. That’s almost one per club - this finding must shake football to its foundations!
Previously the idea that GAY FOOTBALLERS might CAVORT together was unthinkable to fans. However, it is likely that these 18 GAYS may engage in GAY SEX and at other times might even CAVORT with other GAY MEN. In fact, and perhaps most shockingly, if this SORDID GAY SEX was filmed and broadcast it could be considered to be HARD CORE PORNOGRAPHY. Sometimes they might also engage in GAY SEX ACTS which would be too OBSCENE to report here. And please remember that a mobile phone inside a GAY MAN’S SHORTS during a GAY ORGY is always a GAY SEX TOY and never just a sex toy.
Furthermore, if our figures are correct, 0.69% of the England squad this summer will be GAY or bisexual. That’s almost 7 tenths of a player!
Coming soon to World Cup Hippo: Possibility of GAY REFEREE shocker!
February 13th, 2006 at 8:09 pm
Herr Ed seems to be missing the point. If by some freak of nature such a thing as a gay footballer does exist, which certainly could never be the case, chaos will ensue. The ‘footballer’ (I use quotes because, clearly only real heterosexual men can play football) will no doubt thrust his lewd sexual perversions on the children of our nation. Despite the wide range of heterosexual authority figures available to them, it is clear that all young boys will become gay if they hear that there is a single homosexual sports-star.
Out of interest could someone please point me in the direction of one of these gay websites. It’s for research purposes.
February 14th, 2006 at 9:17 am
Surely the impartiality of referees is the most important thing at stake here!
It is a long established fact that the homosexual cannot whistle. Referee’s all, without exception, use a mechanical whistle, to overcome their shortcomings in the whistling department.
If such a thing as a gay footballer were to be found, then every referee’s neutrality would be wiped out in an instant.
February 14th, 2006 at 5:09 pm
Well, its high time World Cup Hippo started a petition to throw these ‘gays’ out of our national game, lest damaging its reputation further. I thought football was one of the few untainted, honest and working class traditions left in Britain, but now even here the permissive society has made its tainted presence felt. My kids are safe nowhere!
February 16th, 2006 at 2:58 pm
What is a ‘gay’ and where can they be found?
February 16th, 2006 at 3:57 pm
I think its time we started to think about the links between the increase in foreign players and the rise of homosexuality in the Premiership and in society more widely… The only way to clamp down on having even a ’seventh of a player’ that way inclined in the England team is to appoint a no-nonsense coach - I’m supporting a Greame Le Saux/ Alan Curbishley ‘dream team’.
February 21st, 2006 at 12:10 pm
Next thing you know there’ll be gay politicians.
Kick gayness out of football!!
“The only benders on the pitch should be Beckham free-kicks!” t-shirts and windbreaks are now available from my mobile shop.
February 23rd, 2006 at 1:40 pm
Is Steve Bruce going out with one of the Arctic Monkeys?