James Lawton
by Herr Ed
An open letter to The Independent’s James Lawton from Herr Hippo.
Dear James
Lucid, forthright, but with a dash of baroque - your prose provides the perfect vessel with which to ladle in your unique brand of pompous Boys’ Own machismo. There is in fact a chance that your prose may become so self-satisfied that it will one day attain consciousness and morph into sentient corporeal entity. What should be the greatest scientific emergence of all time will soon be overlooked, however, as researchers become bored analysing the walking prose and its repetitive macho posturing - even if its existence is the very essence of pinpoint syntax.
Let us then James analyse one of your trademark offerings:
Suddenly Sven Goran Eriksson, the walking disaster of personal indiscretion, has acquired a new and sinister status in the wake of his guileless submission to ambush by champagne and lobster.
One would like to find an adjective to describe this sentence but its beauty defies description. It’s rich and creamy, yet has a sting in the tail. It envelops one like a melting wax maze, yet stabs like an upturned plug. It slides like brine down a silk handkerchief, yet rears up like a combative stallion.
You’re always harping on about Sven, and fair enough! Sven’s record is dire: qualification for all major tournaments, losing to Brazil [the best team in the world] in the World Cup and on penalties to Portugal in the European Championship. Surely a discreet manager would have achieved more!
Keep up the good work James.
Yours in liquid prose, Herr Hippo
February 17th, 2006 at 9:29 am
To win a tour of the World Cup Hippo Resource Centre in Clifford Chambers, Stratford-upon-Avon simply describe James Lawton’s prose style in no more than 10,000 words.
February 21st, 2006 at 11:52 am
A sprig of wit, a spoonful of charm, three dashes of intelligence, a good helping of wisdom, half a pint of genius and a loaf of finesse.
When is the tour? Will I meet Herr Hippo? Is there a canteen?
February 22nd, 2006 at 4:42 pm
Have I won?
February 23rd, 2006 at 8:55 am
Is there a penalty for going over 10,000 words? I’m at 10,043 and I simply can’t reduce it any further.
February 23rd, 2006 at 1:37 pm
Apparently if you submit an entry over the word limit you get a free life-ticket to the new Wembley.
February 24th, 2006 at 3:45 pm
What is a Prose?
February 25th, 2006 at 2:05 pm
I don’t know.
March 6th, 2006 at 3:09 pm
Excuse me Mr Lawton, are you Herr Ed?