Waiting for Ronald Eenyo
by Herr Ed
World Cup Hippo can reveal the real reason behind England defender Sol Campbell’s recent erratic behaviour and dramatic dip in form. Our source has informed us that Sol has suffered a deep existential crisis as a result of plying his trade as a robust defender for too many years.
The defender’s existence is defined, not by productivity, but by the neutralization of productivity - the main aim for a centre back is to stifle creativity and prevent goals. A striker can sleep at night knowing that he [sic] has been successful if he has scored a goal – he deals with the accumulation of a tangible product. The defender’s key aspiration however is the cleansheet – his role is defined by absence: he aspires for zero, nothing, nil. A defender like Sol must also grapple with the paradox that he does not just do nothing; when broaching his objective to thwart opposition attacks he actively strives for nothing. For the majority of the modern workforce nothing is realised by sitting still at a desk; Sol’s position is less tenable existentially as he sweats and bleeds to dynamically achieve nothing – the zero next to England’s name on the World Cup wallchart.
Sol’s realization that he has devoted his life to nothing has led to the collapse of his personal framework of meaning. He has thus taken time out from football and has been attempting to reinvest his life with purpose. Sol has composed several plays and novellas which deal with the existential angst of the experienced central defender. One of his novellas What’s So Clean About a Cleansheet! is to be published by HarperCollins, and his play Waiting for Ronald Eenyo is about to open at The Almeida theatre in London. World Cup Hippo is proud to present an excerpt from the play below:
Goran-Erik Svensson: I want you to stop him!
Zol Campbell: Who?
Goran-Erik Svensson: Ronald Eenyo!
Zol Campbell: What’s the point?
Goran-Erik Svensson: Three points!
Zol Campbell: No point!
Goran-Erik Svensson: No point?
Zol Campbell: No point!
March 13th, 2006 at 1:21 pm
I have been fortunate to have seen the forementioned play ‘Waiting for Ronald Eenyo’, and i must say that it is a work of absolute genius. The way the modern footballer is portaied is a marvel to the eyes, I never thought a proffesional central defender had to put up with such an emotional turmiol… it makes me appreciate the job the likes of Jean-Alein Boumsong, Steven Caldwell and Laim Ridgewell do for their respective teams.
I thank you for this work of art Mr Campbell, it has enlightened my life.
March 14th, 2006 at 1:02 pm
I went to see What’s So Clean About a Cleansheet! at the weekend. I enjoyed the slapstick tomfoolery in the first half and was disappointed when none of the cast appeared on stage after the interval.
March 15th, 2006 at 11:58 am
That’s weird Wes. I saw What’s So Clean About a Cleansheet at the weekend too. I saw it in Waterstones though, as part of their 3 for 2 offer on new novellas.
March 15th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
Weird I agree. I must give a mention to the Isle of Dogs Drama Ensemble who performed the play I went to see. I think it was the first night too.