Herr Hippo contacted Herr Colin, who is currently residing in Stuttgart, to get an insider’s view on this year’s World Cup.

Is there a great sense of anticipation in Stuttgart for the forthcoming World Cup finals? Actually not as much as you might think. German people do not like sports that they are not good at. It is a well kept secret but when they fail to qualify from their group they are going to cancel the tournament. They have 5 million tonnes of snow on standby to recreate the memorable cross country skiing scenes witnessed at this years Winter Olympics, in which Germany won the most medals. There was not a Dickie Bird about our Silver.

I fancy a few premium strength continental lagers after the match. Which restaurant or bar do you recommend? Is there a Wetherspoons nearby? Contrary to popular belief, German beer is not the best in the world. Anyone coming over this summer would be well advised to bring as many Carlings as allowed. Get yourself down to the Irish bar Biddy Earlies. They have Garyoke on Wednesday, and it’s 2 for 1 on the Strongbow.

Gottlieb-Daimler-Stadion’s pitch has an athletics track around it. How far in kilometres are you away from the pitch if you sit behind the goal? 2.3 km and there is also structural damage to the seats. The ex-Stuttgart striker Kevin Kuranyi has apologised and will make more of an effort to find the target in the future.

“I hate the bloody Germans” will be stated by countless English fans this summer. Do the German fans reciprocate this feeling, or are they not quite as stupid? Anyone who says this is a moron, they will simply not understand you. You could try “Wir gewannen die Krieg, wir gewannen die Krieg, eeeyyy aaayyy adeeeeo wir gewannen die Krieg”.

Who are Germany’s biggest footballing rivals? It is disappointing but it is not England. For some reason they hate Holland, and there is currently a massive gay slur campaign against the Dutch football fans.

Who is the German ‘player to watch’? The aforementioned Kevin Kuranyi. He is more irritating to look at than Rio Ferdinand and can rival Peter Crouch at most other things. After Euro 2004, Rudi Voller stated “he’s a great player but he has some deficiencies when it comes to shooting” – he was not being ironic.

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