A groundbreaking new initiative is set to be implemented by the FA which will improve both football and the broader community. The scheme has been devised by the Government’s Department for Work and Pensions in conjunction with university eggheads. The intellectual architect of the programme, Dr Hilary Lindsay (Clinical Sociologist at the University of Middlesex) explains all:

“The idea came to me whilst watching the second-leg of the Arsenal v Villareal Champions League semi-final. In this type of fixture, when one team needs just a 0-0 draw to progress, this side often plays with a lone forward who becomes increasingly detached from his team-mates as the game progresses. For example, in the aforementioned match Thierry Henry was left isolated up front and contributed very little.

“This got us thinking: what’s the point in having £multi-million players performing such a redundant role when anyone (regardless of ability) could do it? Our analysis therefore concluded that in games when a superstar striker is not needed, the position should be filled by an ex-offender or someone who is long-term unemployed. The implementation of this scheme will be of massive benefit to society as marginalised individuals will have the opportunity to re-engage with work and recreation.

“The individual allocated to the role of redundant lone forward is expected to perform three core tasks adequately, otherwise their benefits will be rescinded. These tasks are:

• To jog around applying nominal pressure to the opposition’s defenders when they are passing it around the back;
• To get caught offside every time a hopeful, slightly miscued ball is punted forward from midfield;
• [In the unlikely event of receiving the ball at feet] To fall over immediately and/or spoon the ball into touch whilst appealing for a foul.

“Obviously most club chairmen have very little notion of civic duty, so something has to be in it for them too! Fortunately this initiative is of direct benefit to football clubs as it allows them to save their top strikers for games in which they are actually needed. The scheme will also be of use to international managers, enabling them to rest strikers in meaningless qualifiers and group matches, or when they are holding-out for penalties in the later rounds of big tournaments. We are delighted that England’s ‘Welfare-to-Work Lone Forwards’ initiative is to be piloted at this year’s World Cup!”

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