FIFA Goal Bank
by Herr Danny
FIFA President Sepp Blatter has hinted that a new scheme may be introduced for World Cup 2006 to encourage more attacking football.
Mr Blatter is concerned that some games become rather lacklustre when a team is winning comfortably by several goals. The current rules actually prompt the team that is leading to coast through the game’s final stages, and the losing side to just give up. This situation obviously diminishes spectators’ enjoyment of football, with players often saving themselves and jogging around aimlessly for 20+ minutes. Therefore, Blatter is backing the implementation of a new incentive scheme that will ensure teams put in maximum effort right up until the final whistle. The solution is the FIFA Goal Bank.
The Goal Bank allows a team to decide whether they want a goal to contribute to the game being played, or be saved for another day when it may be of greater use. For instance, should England be 4-0 up against Trinidad & Tobago they might be tempted to take their foot off the gas, but with the option of banking extra goals, Sven would no doubt tell his boys to push on for more. In addition, Trinidad & Tobago will be motivated to score a consolation, so they can transfer it to the Goal Bank; they could then withdraw it for their fixture against Paraguay, thereby establishing an early lead (unless Paraguay have banked goals from their game against Sweden)!
In a recent statement, FIFA’s Assistant Ideas Clerk, Wolf Zwick stated: “The Goal Bank is perhaps the most progressive addition to the rules of Association Football since the introduction of mandatory bookings for players taking their shirts off. Games will now be much more exciting, and this year, for example, it would not be impossible to see an 8-6 scoreline in the World Cup final - and that’s before the game has even started!”
May 22nd, 2006 at 10:21 am
A ‘player-bank’ scheme could also be implemented in this manner. Where a team could be reduced to 10 men by he manager, and the time that the team voluntarily plays with one less can be made up in the next match. (i.e. if a player is voluntarily withdrawn (without being substituted) with 30 minutes left to play, an extra player can be played for 30 minutes during the next match.
May 22nd, 2006 at 10:35 am
A ‘rules-bank’ could also be implemented in this manner. Where a player could use only one leg for kicking for 30 minutes of a game, but in the next game, they can use their hands for 15 minutes.
May 22nd, 2006 at 11:11 am
I can see Sven putting Crouch in the player-bank and forgetting to withdraw him.
May 22nd, 2006 at 11:41 am
How about a ‘vision bank’ whereby a team play blindfolded for a segment of the match, but in the next match can use binoculars?
May 22nd, 2006 at 12:03 pm
Just plain ridiculous.
May 22nd, 2006 at 12:05 pm
Would there be a standard FIFA blindfold or would they be designed by each team’s kit maker such as Nike or Puma?
I can imagine a few binocular-related injuries. This would obviously be very entertaining.
May 22nd, 2006 at 12:33 pm
Apparently Sepp is on a bit of a roll and want to push through his idea of an ‘Anthem Bank’.
This would enable teams to save their national anthem and withdraw it at any point during the game when it could be used for maximum motivational impact.
It is rumoured that this innovation was recently mentioned to Jamie Carragher. “If we are a goal down against Paraguay with 5 minutes to go, ‘God Save the Queen’ blasting from the PA system would almost certainly inspire an equaliser,” thundered the Liverpool and England star.
May 22nd, 2006 at 1:07 pm
I hear Sepp is also planning some more far reaching changes to enliven ‘bore-draws- and even up dull one sided contests.
These include:-
- Players being limited to scoring one goal per game each.
- Goals that shrink the more times they are breached.
- If a team is losing by a margin of two or more goals they are allowed to swap up to 3 players with the opposing side.
- Goals to be awarded for sportsmanship and politeness.
- Managers being issued a ‘joker card’ which when played, makes all goals for the next ten minutes (for or against mind!) count double.
- If a game is 0-0 at half time, each side is forced to ‘re-rack’ and must substitute a minimum of 5 players for the second half.
May 22nd, 2006 at 2:47 pm
I reckon if the two captains could choose their team from their own squad and the opposition it would even things out and most importantly bring families back to football matches.
May 22nd, 2006 at 2:56 pm
I think the two captains should turn their backs and the ref could ‘do numbers’ and then the two captains pick numbers and then get the corresponding players.
Either that or the traditional park picking team method, just to see the look on Gary Neville’s face when Beckham picks him last.
May 22nd, 2006 at 4:19 pm
Does the goal bank take £100 for “charges” if you go over your goal overdraft by £5.00 like HSBC do?
May 23rd, 2006 at 9:14 am
A FIFA spokesman has allegedly stated that goal overdrafts will not be permitted.
May 23rd, 2006 at 11:56 am
What if you’re a young nation like Montenegro. Surely there should be some insentives to lure them in? What about a rail card for the first team or 5 free goals when you open you’re account?
May 23rd, 2006 at 12:40 pm
When countries open their Goal Bank account they receive a goodie bag which includes wax crayons, a crazy wig, 11 Milky Ways and a FIFA ‘Fair Play Please’ duvet cover.
May 24th, 2006 at 12:18 pm
Would teams be allowed to use the illegal immigrant/player bank. Put on a player that had never wore a shirt for the team in question but Blair says given em a couple of goals anyway its our duty?
May 24th, 2006 at 12:30 pm
I don’t think Lionel Blair’s views on immigration are particularly relevant to the World Cup.
May 24th, 2006 at 3:09 pm
How about Linda Blair?
May 24th, 2006 at 3:31 pm
What do you mean? One team has Linda Blair for the first half and then she swaps sides?
May 24th, 2006 at 9:56 pm
That’s what I mean, but on second thoughts I’m not sure how the system would fairly work if there was a penalty shoot out. Perhaps she could go in goal for all of them.
May 25th, 2006 at 9:04 am
Maybe the teams could fight over her instead of having a penalty shoot-out.
May 25th, 2006 at 10:27 am
I think a ‘FIFA decision bank’ would be a good idea to help officials cope with the pace of football in the noughties.
Instead of the referee blowing for each foul and offisde, a fifth official in the stand logs all the infringements in a book and then at the end of the match all the free-kicks and penalties are taken and cards shown.
I’m sure this would add greatly to the excitement during a game.