If football teams were actors…
by Herr Andy
France - Michael Douglas: An ageing team, they’re not the force they used to be but are still very capable of turning in good performances. They are also living proof that marrying the old with the young won’t necessarily manage to recreate the appeal they had in the 90s.
Mexico - John C Reilly: A consistent and well-respected performer, they’re never likely to set the world alight but can match anyone on their day. A team that you don’t often notice, but would definitely miss if they weren’t around.
Italy - Julia Roberts: One of the big names, although their performances have failed to match up to their reputation for quite some time. Opinion is divided into two camps: those that see them as attractive and talented, and those that see them as dull and past it.
Germany - Meg Ryan: Used to be one of the big names on the world scene but have somewhat fallen away from that status of late. Every so often they mount a comeback, but let’s face it, none of us are too disappointed if they fail.
Spain - Corey Feldman: There’s obviously a lot of talent here, but they failed to sustain their performances when they had the opportunity to hit the big time. There’s a chance they could come back to win a major award one day, but somehow you don’t really expect them to.
Can you think of any other similarities between Hollywood stars and teams at this year’s World Cup? Who would England be?
May 24th, 2006 at 11:55 am
England could be Gwyneth Paltrow. Lots of media attention but very little recent success to justify it. Prone to turning on the waterworks from time to time.
May 24th, 2006 at 1:53 pm
Poland - Sean Bean. Rugged, no-nonsense, unlikely to win anything. No sense of humour.
May 24th, 2006 at 3:11 pm
Serbia & Montenegro – Ralph Fiennes. Sinister. Not to be trusted
May 24th, 2006 at 3:21 pm
Argentina - David Caruso. Annoying with delusions of grandeur.
May 24th, 2006 at 5:45 pm
the whole footballing world as a whole looked at holistically would be me. and mine.
May 24th, 2006 at 10:06 pm
Serbia & Montenegro - Charlie Sheen and Denise Whatserface. About to go their separate ways after a bitter long fought battle.
May 25th, 2006 at 9:07 am
Denise Lewis?
May 25th, 2006 at 10:21 am
USA - Tom Cruise.
According to his pay packets (FIFA rankings), one of the best actors (teams) in the world, yet despite giving perfunctory performances, no one can remember anything he (they) did of critical acclaim that warrants such a position.
May 25th, 2006 at 1:12 pm
Croatia - Black Beauty. A dark horse.
June 1st, 2006 at 1:23 am
Please don’t ever compare US soccer Tom “Couch-Jumper” Cruise
June 1st, 2006 at 1:24 am
Please don’t compare US soccer to Tom “Couch Jumper” Cruise
June 1st, 2006 at 9:47 am
USA - Hayden Christensen
Jumped on a successful bandwagon, dull to watch, no recognisable talent yet somehow keeps appearing.
June 8th, 2006 at 1:38 pm
Australia……Russell Crowe
looks a bit thick i guess, preoccupied with global domination, as was seen in ‘gladiator’, thinks he’s smarter than your average bear- look at ‘a beautiful mind’, but not really going to set the world alight really, is he?
June 8th, 2006 at 1:42 pm
Iran- Omar Sharif
well, he’s from somewhere around there, ain’t he?
June 8th, 2006 at 1:44 pm
Switzerland- Jamie-Lee Curtis
i’d guess she looks better in lederhosen than any member of the swiss squad, never mind any actual residents!!!
June 8th, 2006 at 1:46 pm
Togo- John Belushi
cast your mind back if you can
National Lampoon’s Animal House-
“TOGA, TOGA, TOGA”
Well, it’s close isn’t it?
June 8th, 2006 at 2:19 pm
Germany: Arnold Scharzenegger
as in ‘The Terminator’ films, an unstoppable machine, hell-bent on getting the job done as efficiently as possible, but prone to getting killed off just before the final reel. Also able to make countless comebacks for further sequels
June 8th, 2006 at 2:21 pm
England - Hugh Grant
foppy hair, not predisposed to avoiding cursing copiously, terrible at fighting, but manages to get the girl aat the end, well, in most cases!
June 8th, 2006 at 3:55 pm
Iran - Pat Boone
A humourless religious fundamentalist - unfortunately an American (allegedly)! all he’s missing is a few nuclear research labs and he’d surely be bombed out of existance.
June 8th, 2006 at 4:03 pm
Cote D’Ivoire - Danny DeVito
a hugely underrated multifaceted animal, capable of almost anything, unfortunately usually kept in a supporting role but due to own the whole stage quite soon! also known as that short bald fat bloke who guested on friends and was allegedly arnold’s twin brother……really!!!!!!!!!!!
June 8th, 2006 at 4:07 pm
Angola - those folks from ‘Will and Grace’
a one trick pony who’re bloody lucky to have got as far as they have, and if i had my way, (as will probably happen when they get back after being knocked out in the first round) get shot on sight.
June 8th, 2006 at 4:15 pm
Ukraine - Larry Hagman
best known for his reprise as JR Ewing, rich (well a few residents are!), cold, expansive, and he wasn’t afraid to hurt Digger Barnes in one episode i think. possibly Andrij Shevchenko could have been the hitman, but don’t quote me on that!
June 27th, 2006 at 9:47 am
Costa Rica - Anna Friel, pointless