The Crouch Paradox
by Herr Ed
After the Paraguay game, in which he was constantly penalised by a pedantic referee for leaning on defenders, England striker Peter Crouch stated: “It was a worry to pick up a booking, but I’m not going to change my game, although I may have to adapt it a bit.”
This statement has sent a ripple of excitement through the academic community, which senses that Crouch has inadvertently discovered a new paradox. Is it possible, or impossible, to adapt without changing? Dr Konjec Ture, Lecturer in Socio-Linguistics at the University of Wantage explains all.
“The terms ‘adapt’ and ‘change’ cannot be conflated, as there is a different nuance of meaning to each. Adaptation refers to an artefact’s adjustment to specific environmental conditions. It is thus associated with evolutionary theories which demonstrate how organisms adapt to survive within their ecological niche. Change, however, is a broader term and is potentially more radical than adaptation. Change therefore is not necessarily adaptive: it can be revolutionary, and challenge or subvert pre-existing environmental contexts.
“This difference in meaning might suggest that it is possible for one of these terms to be intrinsic to an activity or intention (but the other term absent) without the invocation of paradox. This is partially true, as it is possible to state, ‘I will change but not adapt’, as the broader meaning of the former word means that some types of change are possible that do not include adaptation. For example, if Crouch plays against Trinidad and Tobago dressed in a deep-sea diver’s outfit, and wrestles the corner flag for 90 minutes he would have changed his game, but not adapted it!
“However, under close scrutiny it becomes apparent that Crouch’s utterance is contradictory: it is impossible to avoid negation when utilising the terms in the manner that he has presented them. The fashion in which Crouch has arranged his sentence, ‘I will not change but will adapt’, invokes paradox. Change inheres in, and is a necessary property of adaptation. Stasis cannot be a feature of adjustment – it is impossible to simultaneously adapt and not change! The following equation summarises the Crouch paradox.”
Change [P] is intrinsic to Adaptation [Q]
Therefore [Q minus P] is not equal to Q





June 14th, 2006 at 11:13 am
flipping brilliant
June 14th, 2006 at 11:31 am
FIFA have stated that wearing a deep-sea diver’s outfit now earns a player a yellow card and a fine of 200 Eurodollars. Strangely, a frogman costume is only punished by an indirect free-kick from where the offence took place.
June 14th, 2006 at 12:26 pm
Peter Crouch has a good touch for a big man.
June 14th, 2006 at 1:52 pm
Has a robot ever done a ‘Crouch dance’?
June 15th, 2006 at 11:53 am
Off task, but David Pleat suggested that Steven Gerrard can “become the Churchill of the team” in today’s Guardian. Got me wondering, what other statesmen and politcal leaders will be pulling on the England shirt this evening? Will the ineffectual and sidelined ex-Canadian prime minister, Paul Martin (Owen Hargreaves) be risked on the right?
June 15th, 2006 at 12:00 pm
I thought Sven was referring to the Churchill dog from the television commercials. Every team needs a player who says ‘Oh yes’ when he is asked a question.
Sol Campbell and Kofi Annan were separated at birth.
June 16th, 2006 at 7:18 pm
Here in Germany they showed video of Crouch pulling the braids of the T&T defender to vault himself into the air and keep the defender on the ground.
June 16th, 2006 at 8:37 pm
Because i’m sad and was watching to see if Crouch was going to commit a foul, rather than if he was going head the ball in the net, i noticed the hair-pull straight away. Bit of a sly foul. Would have seen a few more protests if England had been playing Italy i’m sure!