More hippo stats…
by Herr Neil
A hippo goalkeeper is on average 3.5 metres long, and 1.5 metres tall. A human goalkeeper is on average 1.9 metres tall and 0.5 metres wide. This means that a hippo goalkeeper (parked sideways on the goal-line) takes up 29% goalspace, whereas a human goalkeeper takes up just 5%.
A human ball-winning midfielder weighs about 84kg. A hippo ball-winning midfielder can weigh up to 3200kg. This means that a hippo midfielder’s bodyweight is about 38 times greater than that of a human midfielder. I think we can guess who has the better tackle success rate!
Some hippos strikers have been clocked running as fast as 30mph! The fastest human athletes run at 23mph. A hippo forward is therefore 7mph quicker than its human counterpart - and has a surprisingly good touch for a large mammal!
Hippos typically live for 40 to 50 years, so there may be some who remember England’s World Cup triumph! The first World Cup that Herr Hippo remembers is España 82.
June 27th, 2006 at 9:26 am
Kevin Pressman used to take up 69% of the goal.
June 27th, 2006 at 11:06 am
The second point is the reason Peter Reid used to be included in the England midfield.. Reid being largely composed of a super-dense grey material similar to that found in black dwarf stars, he exercised a significant gravitational effect on the ball and opposing ‘flair’ players, hence blocking their advance. Unless of course they ran quite fast.
June 27th, 2006 at 11:08 am
If the human is Branko Strupar, the hippo is 400 times faster.
June 28th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
If the hippo has been mutated with Branko Strupar DNA, is the resulting mass of immobile flesh and bone still deserving of a place in Derby County’s front line?
June 28th, 2006 at 1:59 pm
Yes.
June 28th, 2006 at 2:49 pm
What is the average weight of a creative midfielder?
July 3rd, 2006 at 2:20 pm
Are there any English hippos with coaching qualifications?